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Cute kittens mewling for mum.
New Food Critic Responds to Heckling Food Reviewers

The Poor Dears

My, my, Asheville.

A fortnight ago, you might recall I published two reviews on gourmet boutique doughnut shops (Hole | Vortex). As I’d mentioned in the posts, these aren’t the sort of establishments that I usually find myself in, but my editor received quite a number of requests to increase my presence and begin writing more to offset the coarse nature of my ‘competitors.’

Once I released them to my editor here at AshevilleBlog, she began to immediately get responses in public and private. Many were in congratulations or in appreciation of my work, but a few, one of whom chose to address me in the comments section of my post, took issue with my tongue in cheek needling of their rather juvenile language. That individual then chose to throw down the gauntlet by accusing my opinion of their writing as ‘defamation’ and ‘slander.’

I had intended merely to tweak of the tails of the incumbent writers, the ‘lions’ of the local food scene, whose language is indeed on a par with the ‘eighth-grade level’ recommended by most experts (though perhaps not with the King’s English). Truly, friends, had I known they were mewling kittens who would cry for the teat the moment a little friendly banter had begun, I would have let them continue prattling on un-needled.

Some kittens are having a bad day.
Some kittens are having a bad day.

Tender little bits, I say. In our field, one makes a living of having high standards. Restaurants have such power to place sublime blessings or the fires of damnation on a couple’s evening, and fine restaurants expect the shillings to flow with wild abandon. With such great power comes responsibility, and I hold them to that position. When a restaurant fails to meet those standards, prospective patrons should be made aware of exactly what they can expect should they decide to entrust esteemed dates to a restauranteur’s hand. As such, I can be quite critical when I feel betrayed by the place to which I entrusted my time and money.

The punchline to be gleaned from this is: as a food critic, I criticize, or praise, other people, at regular intervals. It would be hypocritical and absurd of me to take to heart someone else’s criticism. Kittens, if my little comment (which could hardly be considered slander or defamation, perhaps check your legal counsel) about your writing trod on your dainty little tails, perhaps you might consider tucking them next time you venture out into public.

It gets better, dears.
It gets better.

To my otherwise intelligent and attentive audience, I make this vow: you can trust my word that I will not steer you askew when you are seeking fine dining establishments, upper echelon breweries and coffee houses with which to impress your influential business and personal associates. Watch for my reviews every other Thursday henceforth, before firming up your weekend dinner plans. You can count on me to be just as principled in my expectations as I am with my words.

Next week, I will release my impressions of a unique local restaurant, Kathmandu, located in downtown Asheville.  Is Himalayan food beautiful, or merely odd and unappetizing? If you’re thinking of taking your new holiday love there, watch for my column next Thursday.

Until then, cheers, dears.

* Editors note: There was a single individual who commented on Nony’s previous articles directly here on the blog. The slander and defamation comments were directed at this article via two very public and very large social media groups. Many thanks to the individuals who chose to address any conflict within this article in a private manner. 

About Nony Mouse

Nony Mouse was born to an oppressive and wealthy family. She struggled to break free of her 'golden cage' for many years until she met her prince on a flight in Asia and married him. Nony and Ali began to explore the world and she discovered her passion for food. While in France, she met a chef who taught her the finer points of poisson preparation and then in a delicious vegetable stew we know as ratatouille. She did some time in kitchens in France before heading to the United States in her early twenties. Unfortunately a terrible accident took her Ali from her and she was unable to ever work in another kitchen again. However, she brings her exceptional culinary expertise to Asheville and expects - demands - that the food establishments here strive for the perfection Nony expects of herself. She hopes to share her persnickety perspective with an audience that is hungry for a food critic who can express herself well and appeal to the more sophisticated palate.

2 comments

  1. citizenzee@gmail.com'

    This article is so tedious. You sound like a tedious person – like you’d be exhausting to talk to. I hope I’m wrong, but Christ. Tedium. Overwhelming. Please be more interesting for your audience in the future.

  2. markhenrybloom@gmail.com'

    Nony,
    Just do me one favor: keep writing. Thank you.

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